I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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