The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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