Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
