Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
