Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"