If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"