I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
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Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
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Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch