I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
