My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
