I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
