Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i think im in europe. pls send help
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
