Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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