I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
