Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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