Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
