Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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