I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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