i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
