omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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