I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
