these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
