I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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