Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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