so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
