Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You took a bar mat shot.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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