We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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