I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
