Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
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when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
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I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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