I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
