I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
