in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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