No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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