I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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