maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
