My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
