I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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