Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
