i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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