Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
