I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
