you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
