I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
