At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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