The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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