i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She bit a glass in half.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I am one with the molecules
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
