when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
