Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
