i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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