what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
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A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
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The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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