I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
