How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He did a backflip because drugs
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
