At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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