I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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