I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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