I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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