After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
