I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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