I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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