When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
