I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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